MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!