My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.