I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color