My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
You Might Also Like
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA