My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: