I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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drew a comic about my origin story
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Life with a cat in one tweet
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools