My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
why am I working on Labor Day
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.