Someone just threatened to call me later
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.