My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
me irl
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
how to have fun when you’re poor
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.