[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
the #horror is real!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave