I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me 2 months after i graduated
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.