Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You Might Also Like
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.