The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite