[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me