I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*