[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.