Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.