“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
☠️☠️☠️
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.