Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
where the womens at?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!