“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
@funTweeters