Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
…..pretty much.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication