Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Well, that didn’t work.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Real House Wines.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.