I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?