The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.