Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
When they try to steal your moment.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.