I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late