I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.