Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hotels are back
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.