I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Air pods looking like an angry frog
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Has science gone too far?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.