If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.