There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Gemma Correll
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me irl
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.