Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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When your man makes a valid point
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!