[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Teach your children to beatbox
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Okay, I’m still confused…
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.