My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.