Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.