tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Software Development ⛵️
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!