I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”