The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is