Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Stop sending me this shit.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.