Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
every college guy’s fridge
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.