May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you