[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Terribly Tuesday.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”