I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.