If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣