[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
sigh
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want