date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
How about daylight saves us for once
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Legend 🤣🤣
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.