So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You Might Also Like
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Realize this:
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora