I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?