Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”