I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You Might Also Like
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.